Don't call me "mom."

As far as I'm concerned, there are only two people who get to call me mom. One of them is my darling son, who at the age of 13 months doesn't really seem like he can say that yet.

Henry at two months, I think?

The other is my husband, and I only cede him this privilege because I have inadvertently started, and this is only around my kid, calling him "Daddy" (although I was raised by southerners -- who kind of do that sort of thing -- I grew up in the Northeast and now am in the Northwest, two places where white people don't do that sort of thing and think it very sexually suspect -- but then, aren't southerners inbred anyway?). It's a convenience thing. Let it go.

She smirks because my dad and my husband have the same name. I am a southerner under suspicion.

I also guess my female friends who are also mothers can call me "mom" when we're getting together for good times. And you only do it once and it's kind of ironic. Okay, you're in the club. But I'm calling you by your name.

But that's about the size of it.

The fact is, "mom" is a pretty specific title, and like all things female, it ends up being fairly loaded with baggage.

There are some places where it is really inappropriate to call a woman who is not your mother "mom." Here they are:

1) Da club. People I am trying to get my party on. I am already the oldest, grayest, schlubbiest-dressed bimbo up in this jawn, I do not need you to remind me and alienate me from all the youngsters I am trying to impress. (Confession: Have not been to any club, much less "da club" for something like 10 years. But if I go you and you call me "mom" I will cut you.)

2) Fancy restaurant. Unless it's Mother's Day. No one wants to be called "mom" while they're drinking a nice glass of wine or eating something they didn't cook. Don't ruin the fantasy of my being classy when I am out for a treat with adults, because as soon as you remind me I'm a mom, I'm thinking of all the stuff moms think about -- the messes that need to be cleaned, the inadequacies my child has reminded me I have, or even that my kid is eating macaroni while I'm out. I came to this place to either be part of the dyad thing I've got going with my life partner or an adult amongst other adults in that kind of relationship.

3) Work. Oh man there was this one guy who would always address me as "mom" when I still had a job. It put my back up every time. 

I was there to be an employee and a professional, not a nurturer or butt-wiper. And in the moment, it felt really patronizing. It didn't help that he would often remind me that being a mom was the most important job I had, which made me wonder what he thought about the job I was doing. And I couldn't say, "Actually, this is the only job I have. Being a mom is about my life."

As you can see, context matters.

Don't call some woman who has reproduced a mom unless you are fairly close to her, and it's in a context where there is a reason to remind her of that status. And if you are at her workplace, remember that she probably doesn't want to be told that her most important job is elsewhere, because actually, she uses her job to support her life, which includes the kids she has. Believe it or not, for a lot of women, having a job and an income and time to be with adults talking about adult things can support the rest of her life in a positive way and not be in tension with some other, more important "job."

Probably the next time I rant it will be about how motherhood isn't a job.

Or about how once my husband became a dad the "Hey, dad!" stuff didn't take.